They Did It,
So Can You
Hear from coaches from all walks of life, how they turned their passion into a business.
Colin Case Study
This client I will call Colin. He is a fit, active healthy man, 64 years old. He is a grief counselor and therapist. He was involved with 3 women intimately and lived alone but had a LAT relationship with one of the 3.
One he would meet when he went on holiday and stayed at her B&B. One he felt was his twin flame but she was married to someone else and he accepted that a committed relationship between them just was not possible. They met up secretly several times a year. And the third he shared his normal daily life with and would like to feel able to commit to but couldn’t. He wanted to be able to choose to commit to just one of them but found it impossible to let go of the exciting situation he had with them, genuinely unable to commit to just one but also feeling a fraud and a cheat in the situation. He even felt that he was using them all.
In addition to all this he felt stuck and blocked in himself and despite various kinds of therapy and help had been unable to break through or even name/describe the block. He felt that if he didn’t manage a breakthrough now he never would…. Time was running out.
What quickly became clear to me was that Colin was stuck in victim mode. He felt himself to be helplessly determined by events, situations and the people around him. He did not realize the choices he was making and how he was positioning himself in relation to the people and situations around him. He perceived others as the ones making the choices and him being swept along by that. His way of dealing with his life was to do what he wanted, secretively on the sly, and systematically manipulate the 3 women and many others in his life.
I was able to help him realize how he was making himself into a victim using examples of his experiences in various different situations. That showed him that he was actually consistently in victim mode and making himself dependant and helpless but also angry and resentful. By looking at the nuts and bolts of how it is possible to take responsibility for his own needs while showing respect to others and their needs he began to start taking steps and making changes. He was able to break out of the habit and addiction of victim mode.
That was huge and the exact breakthrough he had been hunkering after!!!
Following on from there he chose to be up front with the women in his life and stop manipulating them. Step by step he changed his interaction with them – and they with him – finding a more honest and close connection. He stopped the sexual side of the relationships with the first 2 women. He found in himself the commitment he had looked for to the 3rd woman in his life and they actually bought a house and started living together instead of separately.
The entire structure of Colin’s life changed and came into line with what he had been wanting deep down. He no longer felt a fraud or a user of others.
I would just like to add that coaching a fellow coach is more challenging than just about anyone else. A fellow coach quickly recognizes what you are doing and where you are trying to go and second guessing what you do. It is also much harder for them to ‘submit’ to the guidance of another and getting their trust is a big hurdle. I knew I had managed just that when Colin asked me if I had ever published my work or written a book on it!
Colin: What I have achieved up to now working with Kathleen:
- I am more aware of how I acted up to now, in particular regarding taking the victim position
- I am more open about myself towards others
- I set out on the road to truthfulness and out of hidden and clandestine behaviour
- I dare to discuss deeper important questions regarding myself and actually do so
- I am opener to myself about myself
- I try to be less strict towards myself and be less self destructive
- I procrastinate less
- I am more able to take a stand in matters that concern me; I respond with words and actions instead of complaining
- I have learned to look at my own reflection more than ever before
- I have found acceptance of who I am which was only possible by meeting myself face to face and reconciling with myself
- I am now able to express my boundaries in a very good way
- I am milder, more spontaneous and I have really grown a lot
- I have had deep and spiritual experiences under Kathleen’s guidance
- I have finally been able to commit to my partner and move in together
- I feel I have come a long way and am able to travel further without guidance now
I will call this client Mary. She is a 33 years old corporate lawyer. She has been in a relationship for 5 years with Eddie, who has 2 teenage sons from his previous relationship. They lived together for a while and were now still a couple but living separately
The main reason for living separately was that Mary found Eddie too aggressive at times and felt threatened by his behavior. She also felt that she invested more in the relationship than he did and that she went along with his plans, wants and needs more than was good for her. She lost herself and her interests, wants and needs in their relationship. After one or two incidents she had become afraid of him and his anger and demands.
Initially she told me that she used to be fine on her own and enjoy herself and her life. Now she found herself weak for staying in a relationship that isn’t good for her. What do I want? Why don’t I break up with Eddie and stick by my decision?
Eddie broke up with Mary when she came home from our very first appointment! Then about a week later he told her he wanted to carry on together but now fully committed, getting married and living together. Relieved Mary agreed and they moved forward together. She cancelled our planned second appointment.
After several months we had our next appointment.
They were now married. They had bought some land and everything was ready for them to start building their new house. They were not yet actually living together. Mary was caught between being happy with it all, and struggling with the issues they had already had – which were still unresolved. She had been feeling anxious, pressured, had bad headaches and had no peace of mind.
We spent time pinning down just what the real issue for her is: She was feeling deep fear… “I have committed myself and made a choice while knowing deep down it is not a good decision for me. I am so scared of ending up alone that I commit to this rather than face a life alone. If I am alone I am not safe and I am vulnerable and feel threatened.”
Being unsafe and afraid of ending up alone is the issue we worked on together. That issue was affecting and even determining her decisions and choices. Once we started working on this issue it became clear that there were many, many experiences and events in her life that had contributed to Mary feeling threatened and unsafe and unprotected. This was not a quick fix situation to solve by any means but step by step she was able to clear this right down into the root and find her inner protection and safety.
Once that stabilized it became clear to Mary that she was in fact in an abusive relationship. Eddie was either not willing or able to get help himself or to work on their issues together. Mary finally decided to divorce from Eddie and chose for that life on her own after all – and was able to follow through on her decision. She felt safe enough and protected enough in herself to make a go of it. And after about a year she met and fell for someone else and found that she did not even end up alone! She was able to be in a loving and happy relationship that was a safe place for her to be.
Dierdre Case Study
I will call my client Dierdre. Dierdre is a 47 year old woman, office worker, in a relationship she is fairly happy with excepting a small number of minor irritations. No children by choice. She sees her life as being of service to humanity and her role one of helping people. She helps people she knows and just as often people she only comes into contact with in the bus or passing on the street – people she has never even spoken with. Her service has been a large part and focus of her life. Her life purpose has been to help make the world a better place.
Dierdre always felt she didn’t belong in any group or community and did not fit in. That started in secondary school where she was often bullied and picked on. She never understood the why of it. She believes she never did anything in any way to trigger such treatment. She did not know how to deal with feeling like a leper in society. She felt it with co workers, at social events with friends and family. Deeply observing interactions between people around her, over time she developed some tactics to at least seem to fit in and seem to connect with people.
In our first session, trying to nail down exactly what she wanted to work on, we found the cry from the heart: I don’t belong anywhere…. There is no place for me!
After this deeply held grief and hurt became clear to her, Dierdre spent a terrible week observing and experiencing the depth of that feeling she had subconsciously had for most of her life. She told me when we met to continue working together how she now felt it was even stronger than she first experienced but also a bit different:” they (other people) are all disgusted with me and spit me out.” The depth of her pain and suffering was tangible; total panic, fear for her life, totally done with people, fear that she only connected with emptiness and nothingness.
Working together brought all of her defense systems into play and her resistance and struggle was awesome to see playing out. The pain here was overwhelming and the reason she had needed to develop the defense methods in the first place. I pointed out that she wanted to change this and could only do so if she dropped the defenses. She was willing but still struggled to move through it.
After some time, I was able to suggest to her that she was disgusted to work on all this and wanted to spit it out. YES!!! She cried out and this strong woman started crying and saying how the whole subject disgusted her…. How the state of things in the world was horrendous and what people do and go through was horrendous and she wanted to puke the whole thing out. I then switched that to: the world disgusts me and I want to spit it out! YES she cried out. And it’s even stronger than that: I don’t want to belong here in this world, this planet, even with the God who created it! I don’t want to belong to any of it! My crazy parents, school. It’s all horrendous. I had that even when I was just being born!!! I don’t want to be here or belong with any of it! Her fiery words came as a total shock to her!
That was underneath her feeling of belonging nowhere and with no one. Very early on she had made the choice to not belong……The shock and relief of realizing that! She saw how she had made that choice herself. Her whole life she had struggled and suffered the experience of not belonging and being spit out everywhere.
Kathleen, she said to me, I have been trying to discover what was at the root of this for donkeys years and years! I have been in several therapies to find this. I would never have found this by myself in a million years. This was so beyond every possible reach for me. What if I had never found this? I could have gone on another million years searching for this. I made the decision. I can change it!
The next stage was realizing she had abandoned herself in the struggle to belong and to be of service to others. She had no sense of an own identity and had lost her connection to her deepest self. We were able to do some deep clearing work on this issue together.
This brought a major shift in the foundation of Dierdre’s life. The pain of not belonging fell away. The struggle to find somewhere to belong fell away. What had been a major issue her entire life became a non issue and fell away. She became free to interact with people without that issue playing a role. Quickly she noticed that she was often complimented on who she is and what she does but had never believed it or been able to accept the compliments. She felt incredibly freed up now and able to just enjoy her life.